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Eric Breitenbach
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Tuesday
May032011

SotW: Otis Elevator sings "Ive Got my Ups and Downs for You!"

Hello Friends and Neighbors.   Today we discuss one of the biggest problems stupid people have today. Our goal here is to help the stupid to become better members of society.   Etiquette is not outdated. Now I am not talking about the higher forms such as what forks to use for what entrees, I am talking about basic knowledge that everyone should have.  It appears however that there has been a severe lack of training in proper etiquette.   This leads to stupid people – which are the enemy.

Today’s lesson in proper etiquette involves a situation that we all have to deal with- Elevators.  Yes elevator etiquette is something lost on so many of the stupid people we have to share this world with.  The elevator is a shared experience that we all must use from time to time.  It is not a new development; the elevator has been around for over a century in their present form.   Stupid people are baffled by the device.   I am here to help.  Class is in session.

Summoning the Elevator

                When you have made the decision that you need to utilize an elevator, you must remember that from the moment you press the button to summon the elevator that you are committed to a implicit social contract.  This requires you to immediately make a survey of your surroundings.  Are there other people wanting to get on the elevator?  This elevator is not your personal transport so you will need to see if others are going to join you.   This means getting out of the way of the button.  Push the button and step back so others may use the control.  If you are going up, somebody may be going down.  They need access to the panel to summon an elevator.   Keep a respectful distance once you have called for an elevator.  Take a moment to look at the indicator that will tell you what floor the elevator is currently on.  That way you will be prepared for the next step.

Entering the Elevator

                Once your elevator car has arrived it is your time to get on.  But wait!  There are other people who may be on the elevator!  The stupid person simply steps forward into the car when the doors open.  The stupid person is probably standing right in front of the door when they open.  Don’t be stupid.  Stand back and make sure that nobody wants to get off of the elevator before you get on.  You may be in a hurry but rushing in will only end up in that age old dance wherein you and the evacuee shuffle from side to side as you each try to pass on your way.  This takes more time than it would if you simply would allow them to exit the elevator and then you get on.   Pay attention and don’t be an idiot. 

                In addition to this, if you are carrying multiple large items (such as a cart, pack of children, wheeled backpack) you must look to see if the elevator that has arrived has a large occupancy.  Nobody wants to be crammed into the elevator car because some jerk arrived with a bunch of stuff.   Just wait for the next car.  They are usually only a few seconds away. 

On the Elevator

                Once you are on the elevator your job is not over.  Now you have responsibilities to perform.  First, take note of your surroundings.  If you are alone in the elevator – all is well.  If you are not, however, take some steps.  If others are attempting to get on the car, hold either the door open button or use your hand.  The door will not cut your hand off and so long as there is room, let the next person join on the ride.  This is situational.  If they are more than 20 feet from the elevator and the doors are already closing – you may let it close before they come.  However, if you make eye contact with the person and you notice that they are running to catch the car you are obliged to hold it for them.  Do not hold the car for people who are not clearly rushing to make the car or when there are more than 2 others in the car with you.

                Next you want to push the button for your floor.  Push the button for your desired floor and step back to the rear of the car.  This allows for others to enter the car and push the button for their desired floor.  The stupid person stands in the doorway and looks around like an idiot.  Furthermore if you are for some reason compelled to stand by the buttons, it is your duty to ask the other occupants what floor they need and push the button for them.  That is a courtesy that you must perform should you assume the responsibility for standing by the control panel. 

Stand away from others in all cases on the elevator.  Space is a premium.  Keep a watchful eye on the floor indicator so that you can be prepared to exit once you have arrived.  Announce to others as your floor comes close.  Likewise, be aware of others who might need to exit.  Do not stand in the doorway when it opens, step back to ensure others who need to exit can do so. 

                Finally, once you are on the elevator you have the responsibility to refrain from some activities.  Do not talk on the elevator if you can help it.   This is a small environment and your conversations can wait.  If you must converse, do so sparingly and be considerate of others.  Likewise refrain from coughing and sneezing if possible.  Nobody wants to be exposed to your germs any more than they have to.  Additionally, it goes without saying that any of the more vile bodily functions must not be executed whilst in the elevator car.  Similarly do not wear excessive perfumes or colognes.  The air within the car does not support such activities. 

Getting off of the Elevator

                The exit from the elevator is very similar to entering.  You must make sure that you are on your proper floor.   Prepare to quickly exit the floor once the door opens.  The way should be clear, but beware that there may be stupid people rushing to enter the elevator as soon as the door opens.  If you miss your opportunity to get off, simply wait quietly for the elevator to return to your desired floor.  The cars go both directions.   Now that you are past the elevator challenge, you may go about your day. 

                Remember, stupid people are everywhere.   Like zombies, you must be alert and prepared for them.  Pass this article along to promote proper activity when dealing with the stupid – we all thank you.

Be Excellent to Each Other,

(-

=)

~BAT

Monday
May022011

Super Villian defeated! What now?

Victory Friends and Neighbors!

 

 

Osama Bin Laden is dead.   What does that mean for the world?  One less super villain terrorist is out there causing problems.   This does not mean that the war is over.  Nor does it mean we are completely safe.  It simply means that one of myriad enemies is gone.  Several questions bother our heroes today. 

 

 

 

 

  • Will his forces return to avenge his death? 
  • Will we see a troop reduction in the Middle East?
  • Will this prove our heroes in the armed services are doing the right thing in the war? 
  • Will the rest of the world backlash against the US due to the tactics used to take him out?
  • Will America rest on its laurels now that the face of terrorism has been defeated? 
  • Will we become so apologetic that we feel bad for fighting back?
  • Will we be prepared for the next threat?
  • Do we have a right to be proud of this event?
  • Does his death matter in the grand scheme of things?
  • Do paranoid conspiracy theorists have anything of value to add?

 

I offer these questions for you, Friends and Neighbors, to discuss and debate.  While I have my theories, only the Oracles know for sure what will come of this.  Let us know what you think at tales2astonish.info or at our facebook page.  We look forward to your thoughts.

Be Excellent to Each Other,

(-

=)

~BAT

Monday
Apr252011

The Future is Now - Scan this Picture

Hey there Friends and Neighbors!   One thing we like to do at Tales to Astonish is expose you the reader to new and awesome things.   Enjoy.

Mass communications is a world of fast moving theories and steady proven theorems.  Practices and procedures have been evolving over the centuries as fast as the technology around us advances.  The mass communications industry has to quickly adapt to the alterations in the landscape of consumer awareness.  Innovation is the key to survival in the business.  One of the most important ways to stay innovative is to captivate the audience.  Many techniques have been used over the years, some with great success and others have been equally abysmal as failures.  One of the most recent trends utilized by mass communication purveyors is the public fascination with games and puzzles.  More and more the population is looking to expand their standard consumption of media with a greater emersion into the subject; one way that has proven to be quite successful in this endeavor is the ARG, or Alternate Reality Game. 

            Historically speaking, games and extras have played an important part in the media consumption of our society for a long time.  The familiar crossword puzzle in the newspaper for example is a classic extrapolation of the use of this tactic.  While some may not buy the paper simply for the crossword puzzle, there exists a contingent of the populace that is drawn to the paper for the crossword every issue.  This type of emersion has also been seen in the form of free samples that would offer – at no extra charge – an example of what to expect from a product.  More than simply an advertisement consisting of pictures and descriptions, the consumer is exposed to the scent of some new cologne on a scratch off panel or a small package of the new flavor of cereal to taste what the ad offers.  Still another example of this offers the consumer a chance to learn more about a product or a chance to win a prize by inputting a code found underneath a bottle cap or hidden in a package of flavored tortilla chips.

            The marketers of today have more tools in their arsenal than ever before.  The newest weapon in the battle for consumer attention is the ARG.   Alternative Reality Games incorporate many diverse mediums into the game, even going so far as to utilize the entire real life world of the consumer.  As ARGology.com explains “Instead of requiring the player to enter a fictional game world, ARG designers attempt to enmesh the game within the fabric of the player’s real world by harnessing as many media technologies and interfaces as possible. By doing so, ARGs expand the frame for the game beyond the computer monitor or television screen, effectively making the entire world the “game board.”  

Alternative Reality Games have sprouted up over the past decade and are becoming more prevalent.  Whilst their roots are based in the classic methods, these new games utilize emerging technology and social engineering in fascinating ways.  The internet proliferation into our everyday lives makes this process much easier.  Game synergy is practically tailor made for marketing over the internet; since the outcome of the game can be fashioned Children were arguably the first to see this type of gaming used.  Children’s magazines and cereal boxes often would divert those lucky children who would correctly solve a riddle on the cereal box or magazine ad to a website with more information or a printable certificate. 

            Today’s Alternative Reality Games are much more complicated.  As complicated and diverse as the games may become, so too have the uses for such games.  Not simply games for entertainment’s sake, the newer ARGs are also force of marketing potential, political awareness and activism, advertising for products and finally an expansion for the fan culture of movies and television. 

            Marketing methods are extremely common place and are the most traditional gaming fashion.  Websites that are directed from pages may link players to participate in a game that features characters from a product’s marketing mix.  The winner of this game is often granted a coupon for a discount on the product.  More adventurous marketing ARGs grant statistics for continued, loyal patronage.  A key example of this is found in the smart phone apps that have become very common.   Apps like Foursquare, for example, allow users to log in on their phone to a virtual checkpoint at local businesses.  With enough check-ins at a particular venue, the player can become the “Mayor” of that business.  Other players can then check-in more often and oust the mayor to become mayor themselves.  The application itself offers no reward for becoming mayor, nor does it grant any benefit from playing whatsoever.  The businesses need not even be aware that they are listed in the app’s database.  Still, many businesses who have become aware of the trend offer bonuses or discounts to those who check-in and become mayor.  This marketing makes the whole world a giant scavenger hunt, offering participants fun and possible rewards from a simple game.  The marketing potential for this app has only been partially explored at the moment.

            Political awareness and activism is another method that has been explored by use of ARGs.  The World Without Oil ARG offered educational avenues for the players and was used by educators to expose students to a possible scenario.  “In May 2007, over 1,800 people combined imagination with insight to create World Without Oil (WWO), a realistic simulation of the first 32 weeks of a global oil shortage chronicled in 1,500 personal blog posts, videos, images and voicemails. Via these lesson plans, high school teachers can use this collaborative grassroots simulation to engage students with questions about energy use, sustainability, the role energy plays in our economy, culture, worldview and history, and many others.”  This activism was picked up and promoted by thousands of players who promoted the ARG without further prompt from the creators.  Faster than traditional methods, this game offered a new way to get the message out.  “The breadth and depth of content is staggering. Yes, much was generated by the game masters, but there are now 143,000 Google hits for "world without oil," the majority of which are player-generated blogs, live journals, photo pages, videos, you name it. On an early game week, week 14, I counted over 35 player-submitted photos, stories, and missions (actions to try to address the crisis). Overall, about 60,000 interacted with WWO resources during the game, 1,871 of whom actively contributed content.” Similar results were had to coincide with the release of the band Nine Inch Nails’ album “Year Zero” and the accompanying ARG.  This game promoted a dystopian view about the future.  “It’s this Orwellian ideology and unfolding Web mythology that has had NIN devotees salivating and provoked to play amateur sleuths. Fan sites like Echoingthesound.org andTheNinhotline.com, and even newly created Ninwiki.com, have been deluged with so many comments and regular updates on new findings, that they’ve had to shut down to increase bandwidth for brief periods at a time.” 

            The world of advertisement has seen use of ARG elements as well.  The bar code scanning technology has been around for some time; however, ARG creators have utilized it in a new way this holiday season.   The rise of smart phones has led to new applications being designed for the purposes of advertising games.  One such app is Scanlife, which is used to link print ads that incorporate a barcode to a website wherein consumers can witness video and greater amounts of information about the products advertised.  The Target stores have issued their annual holiday Toy Wishbook, of which several ads feature a small new form of barcode.  This code can be scanned using Scanlife or a similar app on their mobile smart phone.  When scanned, the user sees a video showing the toy in action.  This type of advertising greatly adds to the potential of any piece of print advertising by synergizing with the website.  Less space needs to be taken up with descriptions of the product, as the longer form video online can explain that.  If a picture is worth a thousand words, the video linked is worth a billion.  An ad that might have required the advertiser to take out a full page can be placed on a quarter-page.  This results in more bang for the buck for advertisers, as the costs are decreased all across the board.

            Movies and television are able to use ARGs to expose the viewers to much more than they were have been.  With costs for air time and controls put in force by the FCC and other organizations limiting content, every second of aired content must be scrutinized.  This is being challenged somewhat by the ARG market, however, as expanded content can be accessed through these ARG events.   A case study here can be made for the marketing that was used for the 2008 movie “The Dark Knight.”  Prior to the release of the movie, well before even the trailers hit, avid fans were treated to a game to see what was coming.  The ARG involved the Joker character sending puzzles and riddles for keen observers.  One such event happened around Halloween.  “The campaign to promote the new Batman movie started in May with a handful of Joker playing cards discovered in a California comic book store, and led to a massive email campaign to reveal the new face of the Joker. Later in July, strange dollar bills were distributed at Comic-Con that led 140 lucky participants on a scavenger hunt throughout the city of San Diego. Now, it appears the scavenger hunt has expanded on a national scale as participants are encouraged to solve a series of puzzles and send in photographs.”  Players were later given even more challenges as the movie premier became more imminent.  Another challenge was quite rewarding as noted when players were given addresses online; “Players quickly determined that the addresses were bakeries, strewn across the United States. At first, six addresses were attached to dirty stuffed animals hanging in the booth… Within five hours, all twenty-two addresses had been revealed, as players scrambled to each location to pick up the 'treat'…It was discovered that the Joker had left cakes at each bakery, and lo and behold, the cakes had phone numbers written on them in icing! Even more interesting was how, when the number was called, the cake itself rang! Players found that after digging furiously into the cake, there was an evidence bag filled with goodies - a cell phone and charger, a Joker playing card, and a note which instructed the person to call a different phone number.

Once all the cakes had been found and the phones had been used to call the new numbers, the game page opened to reveal the new Batman: Dark Knight movie poster, and another special treat - invitations to IMAX screenings in five cities (New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Toronto) on Thursday and Friday night, Dec 6th and 7th.”

            Marketing results have proven that these games are quite effective in the development.  Statistics for views and participation show a great deal of interest in ARG events.  As Christy Dena says “You don’t have an audience, you have audiences over different platforms.  Your audiences have different platform preferences; Use platforms contextually.”  Statistics for “I love bees” the Halo release ARG event show clearly the cultural usage of ARGs in graphical format.  ‘Based on the Halo fiction, ilovebees was an original radio drama that was deconstructed and delivered to consumers over an unlikely broadcast medium: ringing payphones. ilovebees was a giant multi-player, multi-platform story, immersing players in the world of Halo2 in the four months leading up to the title’s record shattering launch … 10,000+ participated in the pervasive missions (real world challenges) … 600,000 online players … ILoveBees.com logged 80 million hits …1 million+ tracked blog and forum posts and comments … Answered over 40,000 payphones in 50 states & 8 countries, over 4 months … Sold 2.38 million units [of Halo 2] in the 24 hours in the United States and Canada.”  

Alternative Reality Games are definitely going to play a large role in the future of Mass Media.  Of the ARG, ’I love bees’ a summary is noted “"I think it's a new form of interactive entertainment that is still in its infancy," Steve Peters, who runs ARGN, the leading clearinghouse for information and discussion about alternate-reality games, said of I Love Bees. "It's a new way of storytelling. We've had novels and movies, and these things kind of blur the lines of fiction and in some ways invade the real world." It is without a doubt the most revolutionary adaptation of technology in the mass media for the 21st Century. 

Be Excellent to Each Other,

(-

=)

~BAT

Saturday
Apr232011

Saturday Morning Poetry? A Ms. Bat Musing

I know for most cartoons would have been the fill in the blank, but I am talking poetry! Hey there Astonish fans!! Ms. Bat here with a few poems off of Poetry.com that I wrote several years ago. The website is shutting down and they plan to purge all the data so I thought I would grab copies of my work to ensure they didn't get lost.

If you have ever posted there and need to get a copy of your work, I suggest you do it before May 4, 2011 because after that day it will be too late! :(

So here is Poem #1

Together and Apart

We are together, yet apart.
It seems as though you, by my heart
were made to be here with me.
Yet my mind sings a different tune.
Like winter winds in the midst of June.
No roses promised, nor gloomy rains.
And through each change there lingers
here, a ghost of loves sweet remembrance.
What did we have that now we've lost...
The cost might be too great.
For priceless is the love we share
Together and Apart

and Poem #2

Distress

Bitter
Torn, Bleeding
I await silence,
Anxious for the end.
Scared of unknowns,
Slowly slipping..
Gone.


Tortured
Wrung out
My heart falters
I long for nothingness
Peace heckles from a distance
I sink slowly down
Darkness closes in
Choking me
Dead

Perhaps muse will kick in soon and more will flourish!

Until next week Astonish fans

~The Lady Bat

 

Tuesday
Apr192011

Stupidity of the week: UN Summons Captain Planet!

Serenity Now!  Friends and Neighbors, today’s issue is one of those items so absolutely backwards that it makes you doubt the faith in your fellow man to be able to think rationally.   We have heard about global warming and the destruction of the rainforests for years.   Most of it is true a lot of it is simply hippie talk.  Now some other yahoo has proposed that “Mother Earth” be granted “Human Rights.”  I know.  Take a moment to get up from your chair and hide your disappointment with these people.  There is more.

So Bolivia is spearheading this endeavor.  These people write demands that “aims to establish 11 new rights for nature which include: the right to life and to exist; the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration; the right to pure water and clean air; the right to balance; the right not to be polluted; and the right to not have cellular structure modified or genetically altered.”

They are serious too.  Ma-Ti is using the heart ring to change the world!  First of all, they are talking about some things they have no comprehension of.  Sure, we should take some steps to protect our environment.  But there are things at work that we do not have any control over. 

One of the rights, the right to continue vital cycles is of particular preposterousness.   The earth has undergone cycles that are beyond our level of control or understanding.   50 years ago we barely understood the concept of Plate Tectonics – climate change is a young science that we only have a couple pieces of the puzzle on.  We do have evidence that the world has been much hotter than we have now and before industrialization.  Humanity survived then.  Things change.  Now Bolivia is in a bad spot.  Climate change is going to hit them hard.  But this is like a child suing their parents over potential allowance changes.  

Another wonderful right proposed the right to not have cellular structure modified or genetically altered.    What exactly does this mean?   Are we still talking about the earth?  Cellular Minerals?  That is about the stupidest thing I have heard since the query about The Thing’s Dork being made of rock or not.   So I will attempt to make some sense of these backwards people’s reasoning.  They must mean plants, plants such as their rainforest perhaps.   They make far too much money off of cocaine and other exports to think of that though… hmmm.    

What of the insects?  Insects and animals are responsible for the propagation of plant life all over the world.  Without them, the plants would not survive long.  Of course that means using science to comprehend.  Okay, well they do say free from human alteration.  So humans are now alien to the biology of Mother Earth?  Last time I heard, humans were just one of the many parts of the ecosystem, dominant, sure, but part of the system nonetheless. 

Then one final part of the resolution speaks out to me.  “Morales drew up 10 'commandments' as part of Bolivia's plan to save the planet, beginning with the need 'to end capitalism.'”   

There it is.  Pinko socialist countries that are still wanting to end the ‘evil capitalism.’  Once again we see our earth abused and misused to benefit the selfish goals of those who refuse to work.  The entire thing is an attempt to get rid of their “enemy.”  I should have seen that one coming.   The whole thing is an attempt to defeat Looten Plunder!

Seriously though, this has got to be one of the most misguided attempts to solve a situation that I have ever heard.  It infringes upon religious freedoms of many cultures that do not have a Mother Earth figure.  It flies in the face of science.  It stands to hinder any further development of human society and it is based on faulty concepts that simply do not make sense.    Oh what will we do with the UN? 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1376244/South-American-countrys-treaty-giving-Mother-Earth-rights-citizens.html

Be Excellent to Each Other

(-

=)

~BAT

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