SotW: Otis Elevator sings "Ive Got my Ups and Downs for You!"

Hello Friends and Neighbors.   Today we discuss one of the biggest problems stupid people have today. Our goal here is to help the stupid to become better members of society.   Etiquette is not outdated. Now I am not talking about the higher forms such as what forks to use for what entrees, I am talking about basic knowledge that everyone should have.  It appears however that there has been a severe lack of training in proper etiquette.   This leads to stupid people – which are the enemy.

Today’s lesson in proper etiquette involves a situation that we all have to deal with- Elevators.  Yes elevator etiquette is something lost on so many of the stupid people we have to share this world with.  The elevator is a shared experience that we all must use from time to time.  It is not a new development; the elevator has been around for over a century in their present form.   Stupid people are baffled by the device.   I am here to help.  Class is in session.

Summoning the Elevator

                When you have made the decision that you need to utilize an elevator, you must remember that from the moment you press the button to summon the elevator that you are committed to a implicit social contract.  This requires you to immediately make a survey of your surroundings.  Are there other people wanting to get on the elevator?  This elevator is not your personal transport so you will need to see if others are going to join you.   This means getting out of the way of the button.  Push the button and step back so others may use the control.  If you are going up, somebody may be going down.  They need access to the panel to summon an elevator.   Keep a respectful distance once you have called for an elevator.  Take a moment to look at the indicator that will tell you what floor the elevator is currently on.  That way you will be prepared for the next step.

Entering the Elevator

                Once your elevator car has arrived it is your time to get on.  But wait!  There are other people who may be on the elevator!  The stupid person simply steps forward into the car when the doors open.  The stupid person is probably standing right in front of the door when they open.  Don’t be stupid.  Stand back and make sure that nobody wants to get off of the elevator before you get on.  You may be in a hurry but rushing in will only end up in that age old dance wherein you and the evacuee shuffle from side to side as you each try to pass on your way.  This takes more time than it would if you simply would allow them to exit the elevator and then you get on.   Pay attention and don’t be an idiot. 

                In addition to this, if you are carrying multiple large items (such as a cart, pack of children, wheeled backpack) you must look to see if the elevator that has arrived has a large occupancy.  Nobody wants to be crammed into the elevator car because some jerk arrived with a bunch of stuff.   Just wait for the next car.  They are usually only a few seconds away. 

On the Elevator

                Once you are on the elevator your job is not over.  Now you have responsibilities to perform.  First, take note of your surroundings.  If you are alone in the elevator – all is well.  If you are not, however, take some steps.  If others are attempting to get on the car, hold either the door open button or use your hand.  The door will not cut your hand off and so long as there is room, let the next person join on the ride.  This is situational.  If they are more than 20 feet from the elevator and the doors are already closing – you may let it close before they come.  However, if you make eye contact with the person and you notice that they are running to catch the car you are obliged to hold it for them.  Do not hold the car for people who are not clearly rushing to make the car or when there are more than 2 others in the car with you.

                Next you want to push the button for your floor.  Push the button for your desired floor and step back to the rear of the car.  This allows for others to enter the car and push the button for their desired floor.  The stupid person stands in the doorway and looks around like an idiot.  Furthermore if you are for some reason compelled to stand by the buttons, it is your duty to ask the other occupants what floor they need and push the button for them.  That is a courtesy that you must perform should you assume the responsibility for standing by the control panel. 

Stand away from others in all cases on the elevator.  Space is a premium.  Keep a watchful eye on the floor indicator so that you can be prepared to exit once you have arrived.  Announce to others as your floor comes close.  Likewise, be aware of others who might need to exit.  Do not stand in the doorway when it opens, step back to ensure others who need to exit can do so. 

                Finally, once you are on the elevator you have the responsibility to refrain from some activities.  Do not talk on the elevator if you can help it.   This is a small environment and your conversations can wait.  If you must converse, do so sparingly and be considerate of others.  Likewise refrain from coughing and sneezing if possible.  Nobody wants to be exposed to your germs any more than they have to.  Additionally, it goes without saying that any of the more vile bodily functions must not be executed whilst in the elevator car.  Similarly do not wear excessive perfumes or colognes.  The air within the car does not support such activities. 

Getting off of the Elevator

                The exit from the elevator is very similar to entering.  You must make sure that you are on your proper floor.   Prepare to quickly exit the floor once the door opens.  The way should be clear, but beware that there may be stupid people rushing to enter the elevator as soon as the door opens.  If you miss your opportunity to get off, simply wait quietly for the elevator to return to your desired floor.  The cars go both directions.   Now that you are past the elevator challenge, you may go about your day. 

                Remember, stupid people are everywhere.   Like zombies, you must be alert and prepared for them.  Pass this article along to promote proper activity when dealing with the stupid – we all thank you.

Be Excellent to Each Other,

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~BAT

Comments

[Frank F.]

Likewise, utilizing the elevator after consuming kimchi is strictly verbotten! Take the stairs and spare the uninitiated the stench that consumption of that food produces.

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